Out of His Element
by n00btmntfan
Summary: Raphael is pushed out of his comfort zone by an ethical dilemma when a new Kraang poison is discovered. Another dilemma arises when he mistakenly overhears April telling Irma that she loves him, not realizing that he took it out of context. Caught between his brother and his best friend, he tries to fight it as his purely platonic feelings for April start to shift. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I have had an idea for this story since midsummer, but just now got to writing it. It takes place sometime before "A Chinatown Ghost Story." Please enjoy!  
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**Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all related characters, and all derived works are the intellectual property of Nickelodeon, Viacom, Eastman, and Laird. This story is for entertainment purposes and not for monetary gain. In no way should this story be taken to be anything other than a fan-based expansion of and commentary on the source material. n00btmntfan is in no way associated with the makers of TMNT.**

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><p>"Look out!" shouted Casey.<p>

Raphael looked up just in time to see the hockey- stick-propelled, squishy pink blur of a Kraang heading straight for his face. Swearing, he leaned back just in time to avoid the impact. The Kraang, squealing angrily, scuttled away behind the corner of a building.

"Watch your language there, Raph," Casey said, flashing his hockey-mangled grin.

Raph glared. "You better watch your face!"

Casey gestured to the pile of empty Kraang droids that had collected in the middle of the alleyway. "We did pretty good, huh?" He picked up one of the large laser rifles. "Heh, these things are pretty wicked. Why don't you guys just collect these things and fight with them?"

"One word: Mikey."

"Ha! Yeah, that does seem like a bad idea. Or even worse: Donnie."

Raph folded his arms across his chest. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"I just meant that from the sound of it, the dude blows stuff up a lot."

Raph shrugged. "Fair point."

"So, what do you think all of these Kraang are doing here? Just 'Kraanging out?' Eh? Get it?"

"Dude, you seriously need to spend less time around Mikey," said Raph.

Casey was about to reply when a large contingent of Kraang entered the alleyway.

"Kraang, the one who is called 'Casey Jones' must be destroyed," said one of the Kraang droids.

"Agreed, Kraang," replied another. "The turtle who is the turtle known as 'Raphael' must be destroyed also."

"Man," muttered Raph. He flung a handful of shuriken in their general direction. With a flip, he landed next to Casey. The two of them stood back-to-back in the sea of advancing Kraang. "I liked it a lot better before they figured out what our names are."

"Yeah, how exactly did that happen?" Casey asked.

"I don't know. Maybe because you _constantly refer to yourself in the third person!_"

"Well, duh – that's how Casey Jones rolls!"

Raph rolled his eyes. "I'll take point."

"Whatever you say!"

With a shout, Raph launched into the wall of droids with a high kick. Casey, following behind him, stayed close to the ground. The minute that Raph made impact, Casey took his hockey stick and swept the droid's feet off the ground. A quick sai-stab to the head shut down the droid's systems. Meanwhile, Casey had already advanced forward. Keeping low, he whirled his hockey stick, unbalancing multiple droids at one. Raph followed up with a fierce spinning kick.

The droids fell to the ground with a clatter.

Casey planted his potato-masher taser onto the Kraang droid that lay on top of the pile. The electrical current surged through the whole metallic mass of them. Squealing, the Kraang inside abandoned ship and made a break for it.

Raph smashed into droid after droid. Metallic body parts went flying. This was his element. There were few places where he felt so completely confident and capable, so exhilarated, as in the midst of combat. Everything that he normally had to keep locked away found release. Everything made perfect sense.

Besides that, he and Casey had gone on so many independent Kraang-hunts together, the two of them had found a seamless fighting system. They hardly needed to communicate anything; they knew exactly what to expect from each other.

It was a beautiful thing.

As they dispatched the last droid together, Raph looked with satisfaction at the pile of robotic carnage in alleyway.

"Who's awesome?" Casey asked, with an expectant grin.

"We're awesome!" Raph said, as they bumped fists.

"Yeh, I guess you're okay."

Raph rolled his eyes in response. There were times he thought about admitting that he considered Casey as his best friend, and then Casey said something like that. It was probably for the best that Raph kept it to himself, anyway, considering the fact that Casey had plenty of other long-established friends who ranked higher on the friendship scale than a giant mutant turtle did. Besides, saying it would only stoke Casey's outrageously overblown ego even more.

Casey flipped up his hockey mask. "So what do you think they were all doing here, anyway?"

"Hard to say." It was times like these that Raph wished Donnie had accompanied them. On the other hand, Donnie and Casey were pretty much oil and water. Raph wasn't sure who he blamed more – Donnie, for being so possessive of the girl he didn't have a shot with in the first place, or Casey, for being such an arrogant tool-bag most of the time.

Raph generally dealt with it by ensuring that the two were never within earshot of each other.

As he rummaged around the abandoned droids, looking for anything suspicious that they could take back to Donnie for analysis, he noticed an odd shiny slick of liquid on the ground. It looked like motor oil, but knowing the Kraang, it was anything but. He pushed a droid out of the way, and saw that a small glass vial had been smashed open. One of the droids was smeared with the stuff.

"Whoa. Raph, look at this."

The genuine alarm in Casey's voice made Raph whirl around. "What?" When he looked where Casey was pointing, he shouted.

A Kraang lay twitching on the ground, covered in the same liquid. Its eyes were still open, and it looked like it was in genuine pain. It looked like it was screaming, but no sound came from its mouth.

"Wow. It looks like it's really suffering," Raph said.

"Should we…I dunno, put it out of its misery or something?"

Raph shifted uncomfortably. He hated making decisions like this. Leo was the one who always handled decisions, and as much as Raph hated to admit it, Leo's decisions were usually the smartest. Judgment calls and strategy, anything besides the _fight_ itself were most decidedly _not_ Raph's element. He pulled out his t-phone and started sending a text to Leo. "The other guys should be here in a few minutes."

"I think we should put it out of its misery," Casey said. "These things are straight-up nasty, but I'm starting to feel bad for this one."

"No. Leo and Donnie will know what to do. We should just stay here and make sure nobody else gets that gunk on them."

"Is April coming?" Casey's eyebrows shot up, and a hopeful smile crept into the corner of his mouth.

"I doubt it," Raph said, avoiding looking at the Kraang. "Why?"

"Well…you know, 'cause…well, 'cause April."

Raph shook his head. "Congratulations, your English has devolved to kindergarten levels."

"Sorry, dude. It's just that April, well, she's really cool."

"And?"

"Nothing," Casey said, sighing. "Dude, I hope your brothers get here soon, because that Kraang is not looking so good."

The Kraang's eyes had rolled back. It was twitching furiously, foaming at the mouth. The fact that it was completely silent only made it worse.

"Never thought I'd actually feel sorry for the Kraang," Raph said. He didn't want to look at it anymore, but the more that the Kraang suffered, the more that Raph felt like he needed to intervene. It wasn't right to let anything suffer that way, even if it was an enemy.

But this decision wasn't clear-cut. It was knotted up with complex ethical questions – that kind of thing was more Leo's forte – and despite his dislike for the Kraang, the idea of killing this one made his skin crawl.

Wasn't Splinter always telling them not to kill unless it was absolutely necessary or unavoidable? That took a lot of restraint on Raph's part. There had been so many times that he'd wanted to stab his sai straight into a live enemy, but Splinter's voice had always held him back.

He realized the truth was that he'd never intentionally killed a self-conscious being before, and the thought of doing so now was actually frightening to him.

_Come on, Raph,_ he thought. _Don't be a coward. Just do it. _

"So, uh, Raph, I've been meaning to ask you something," Casey said.

"Shoot," Raph said, latching on to the distraction immediately. He was desperate for something to take his mind off of the Kraang.

"Okay, well, I really like April."

Raph cringed. This was another one of those things that were needlessly complicated. But anything was better than the Kraang. "We all like April. So?"

"Nah, man, you know what I mean. I mean that I _like _April."

"And you want to talk about this now?"

"Well, do you want to think about what's happenin' on the ground over there?"

"No."

Casey adjusted his shoulder pads. "That's what I thought. So, anyway, since you're friends with her and all, I was wondering if you could do me a solid and ask her what she thinks about me."

Raph snorted. "Other than the fact that she thinks you're a loudmouth?"

"Yeah, other than that."

"Look, Casey, I'm not going to do that. You know how Donnie feels about her, right? I'm not saying he has any chance with her, but if you think I'm going to get involved in this, you're crazy. My brothers come first."

"Oh, come on! You're my best friend!"

_Best friend._ Raph jerked his head up in disbelief. "You've got humans all around you, and a giant turtle is your 'best friend?'"

"Well, yeah," Casey said. "A lot of my other friends don't get me."

"_I_ don't get you."

"You get me a heck of a lot better than they do."

Raph wished he could punch something. If he had been like Mikey, Raph would have squealed in delight at the fact that he had a _best friend_ other than his brothers. Of course, he was decidedly _not _like Mikey. This kind of gooey friendship emotional junk wasn't his element at all. One the one hand, he was completely floored and delighted by the fact that Casey thought so highly of him. On the other hand, the tight bond of friendship now complicated the matter at hand even more. Surely he had as much of an obligation to a best friend as he did to his brothers.

"Please?" Casey said, clasping his hands together.

"Fine," Raph growled. "But only because the expression on your face is so pathetic."

Casey laughed. "See? That right there is why you rank number one on my list."

"What, because I agreed to talk to April for you?"

"Nah, because you say stuff like that. You make cool look lame."

Raph couldn't contain a grin. "You got that right."

The groan of brakes alerted them to the Shellraiser's presence. Mikey clambered out the door first, eyes closed and headphones on. He was immediately followed by Leo and Donnie.

"Whoa," Leo said. "You weren't kidding. You guys really crushed some Kraang. "

Mikey opened his eyes and yelped. "What in the name of pizza is that?"

Donnie and Leo followed Mikey's gesture and both exclaimed.

"That would be the Kraang I mentioned," Raph said. He drew a deep breath and swallowed his pride. "I didn't know what to do about it."

"I say we put it out of its misery," Casey said again. "Just looking at it makes me hurt all over."

"What is that stuff?" Leo asked, grimacing.

Donnie stooped down and collected some of the black liquid in a test tube, then corked it. "My guess is that it's some kind of neurotoxin. The container must have gotten broken during the fight. I'll take some back to the lab for analysis."

Mikey frowned. "What do we do about the poor Kraang? It's hurt really bad. Should we take it home and help it?"

"Mikey, we are not bringing a Kraang back to the lair." Leo slapped his palm to his forehead. He sighed. "But I don't know what to do either. I mean, we smash their droids all the time, but I've never actually…you know, killed one. On purpose."

"I feel like that might be a critical flaw in your fighting strategy." Casey grinned.

Leo flashed a scowl. "Ninjas don't do more harm than is necessary."

Raph felt a wave of relief in knowing that Leo shared his hesitance. But Leo wasn't nearly as hard-core as he was. Raph should have been able to leap into this with decisive action. _Who cares about the Kraang? I don't…_

But he still couldn't bring himself to do it.

"April might know what to do," Donnie said. "Maybe she could talk to it for us. There was that one time she kind of communicated with them telepathically."

"Yeah, let's call April!" Casey said, grinning widely.

Raph rolled his eyes for the fifteenth time in the same hour. Casey, Donnie, _and _April within a fifty foot radius of each other? _No thank you._ "That sounds like a terrible idea." When everyone shot him a questioning look, he crossed his arms. "Do you really want April to have to look at that thing?"

"Erm, I don't think it matters much now," Donnie said. "I think it died."

Raph looked over at the Kraang. It was still now, and its eyes were frozen in place like a disturbing, squishy pink mannequin. It made him shudder a little bit.

_At least it's dead now. Problem solved. _

But he knew that it wasn't that cut-and-dry.

"I know the Kraang are the bad guys and all," Mikey said, "but I feel really bad."

"Yeah," Leo said. "I don't know what else we could have done, though. And I'm not sure how I feel about the concept of…mercy killing."

Donnie bit his lip. "Well, I think we should take it back to the lair. I'll perform an autopsy and study the toxin a little more closely." He headed to the Shellraiser to retrieve a container.

"I thought we weren't gonna bring the Kraang back to the lair?" Mikey said, incredulous.

"Not while it was alive, shell-brain," Leo said.

Using forceps, Donnie lifted the Kraang into a plastic container and sealed it. "Why do I get the distinctly unpleasant feeling that Splinter is going to be ticked off about this?"

As they piled into the Shellraiser, Raph found himself longing for a fight. A fight would take his mind off the sense of guilt he felt for letting the Kraang suffer instead of making the decision himself. Fighting was simple. Clear-cut. Attack enemy. Defend self and allies.

This was complicated and way out of his element.

And Donnie was wrong. Splinter wasn't going to be ticked off. He was going to be _furious. _


	2. Chapter 2

Raph had almost made it to the dojo door with the others when Splinter uttered the dreaded words:

"Raphael, a moment?"

Cringing, Raph turned around. "Hai, Sensei?"

Splinter stood there, a pillar of intimidation, anger smoldering behind his eyes. "I am curious as to why you did not allow you enemy to die swiftly, and instead chose to let him suffer."

"Sensei, even Leo wasn't sure what to do."

"And believe me, I will be having a lengthy discussion with him later. But you chose to set out without him; therefore the responsibility of this falls on your shoulders."

"It was just a Kraang!"

"I see." Splinter ran his hand down the length of his beard. "'Just' a Kraang. Had it been a man, would you have acted in the same way?"

"Well, no. I would have gotten help for him. Look, I tried to get help for the stupid Kraang…I figured Donnie would be able to do something."

"Did you make any attempt to render aid yourself?"

Raph threw his hands up in the air. "What was _I _supposed to do?"

"What _did _you do?"

"I – I talked with Casey while we waited for the others."

"So, you stood idly by while another being suffered?"

"How the heck am I supposed to know anything about Kraang field medicine? How the heck am I supposed to know what's – the right thing to do – in that situation? I'm a _fighter._"

"Raphael, you need to become comfortable with things outside of your natural element. You can never be a truly skilled fighter until you understand the full weight of your choices."

Raph hung his head. "Hai, Sensei."

"I want you to engage in something that pushes you beyond your comfort zone every day. You say you are not a specialist on ethics. Work to become one. You may not be able to study Kraang field medicine, but study regular field medicine. Ask your brothers; they will be happy to help you."

Asking his brothers for help. This would be about as much fun as being forced to watch a _Space Heroes_ marathon with Leo. Nevertheless, Raph nodded. He would go find something to beat up as soon as they were done. The last thing he needed was to blow up and then have Splinter be even angrier with him.

As soon as Splinter dismissed him, Raph hurried for the exit. However, when he reached the door, a question occurred to him. He turned around. "What would you have done?"

Splinter stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I want you to think about that, my son. Let me know when you think that you have discovered the answer."

Raph balled up his fists. Why did Splinter have to make everything so complicated? "Hai, Sensei."

"Oh, and Raphael?"

"Hai, Sensei?"

"Send Leonardo in, please."

"Hai, Sensei."

Raph stalked out of the dojo and down the stairs into the den. "Your turn to get chewed out, Leo."

Leo gave Raph a sympathetic expression as they passed each other – Raph repaid it with a scowl and stormed to his room. He slammed the door shut and sat against it.

_Why can't it ever be simple?_ Raph thought. _Tell me what to punch and I'll punch it. Tell me what the right thing to do is, and I'll do it. _He pounded his fists on the floor.

Something out of his comfort zone, indeed. Try to do that _every_ day? Get involved in things that don't have one right or wrong answer? Splinter wanted him to be some kind of warrior-philosopher, and that just wasn't going to happen. Raph knew he wasn't cut out for that kind of decision making – he'd learned the hard way back when they fought Snakeweed, and Mikey had been seriously injured.

He looked at the clock. It was only a little past 9, and he seriously needed to burn off some steam. He had to get out before he went absolutely loopy.

He opened the door and walked as fast as he could toward the turnstiles. Mikey was the only one in the living room; presumably, Donnie was in his lab and Leo was in the dojo having a "lengthy conversation" with Splinter. It was some small vindication that at least Leo was in trouble, too.

"Where ya goin', Raph?" Mikey asked.

"Out."

"Okay. Got your t-phone?"

"What are you, my babysitter?"

"Chill, bro. Just trying to have your back. You know how Sensei is about us going out without our phones."

"Whatever." Raph jumped over the turnstiles.

Mikey's voice drifted after him. "Hey, can you bring back some pizza?"

Holding back a snarl, Raph broke into a run.

Running, like fighting, was his salve. The thrill of exertion, his pulse thudding in his ears, and the beads of sweat that rolled down his face were like a massive eraser on the chalkboard of his consciousness. All of the things that were complicated, or infuriating, or stressful, were all wiped away. Some of the time, when he'd cooled down, he would find that he'd solved the problem.

Tonight, running just wasn't enough. He practiced katas as he moved his way through the sewers, doing elaborate flips and strikes – anything to elevate his heart rate. But the sewers didn't offer enough of a workout for him – no matter how hard pushed himself, he still couldn't shake the day's events from his mind.

The rooftops. Surely that would work. The massive leaps would require concentration as well as exertion – just another way he could make his mind as blank as possible. He jumped onto the closest access ladder and climbed up into the city. Keeping to the shadows, he leapt onto a nearby fire escape and started working his way up to the rooftop. Now was the time to be silent; ensuring that his footsteps were soft on the roof took up half his focus, timing the jumps the other half.

Finally, blissful calm washed over him. He was lost in a beautiful world where wind whipped across his face and he was in total control. Every motion, perfected. Every heartbeat, as sure and strong as he was. Every muscle, contracting and relaxing in perfect rhythm.

His heart was the loudest thing. His feet were feather-light on the rooftops.

He was silent. He was powerful.

He was _ninja._

Eventually, his lungs started burning from the effort. He chose a somewhat secluded rooftop and paused in the shadow of a smokestack.

Now, he allowed his mind to come back. No longer trying to be silent, he breathed heavily and then groaned as he stretched his legs. He must have pulled a hamstring without noticing it, the sheer adrenaline preventing it from reaching his conscious mind. He would have to take it easy on the way home – after a workout that intense, his body would hate him the next day if he didn't cool down properly. After he had stretched sufficiently, he plopped down onto his back and stared up at the stars.

As always, the stars in New York were barely visible because of light pollution, but one particularly beautiful star winked through the thin, wispy clouds that floated overhead.

_You know what,_ Raph thought, _I _can _move out of my comfort zone. It's not like once I leave it, I can't go back. As long as I have this – I can probably handle anything. _

Of course, whether he'd feel that way when he got home again was a different story. He pulled out his t-phone to check the time and cursed. Recently, Master Splinter had set their curfew – team missions and patrols excepted, of course – a full hour back. Raph had been thinking that he needed to be back by 11:30, not 10:30. It was 9:55 now, and even if he pushed himself he wouldn't be able to make it in a half hour.

He weighed his options: show up late and have Splinter read him the riot act again, or call, explain his predicament, then show up late and have a slightly smaller riot act read to him.

Or, he could ask Leo to come pick him up in either the patrol buggy or Shellraiser. With a resigned sigh, he decided to call Leo and admit that he needed help.

_There, _Raph thought. _I'm doing something out of my comfort zone. Are you happy, Splinter?_

He tapped Leo's speed dial and waited while the line rang. Raph worried that it was going to go to voicemail until Leo finally picked up.

"_Hey, Raph. Where are you? Mikey said you went out for pizza an hour ago." _

"I didn't go out for pizza, I went out for a run. He _asked _me to get pizza."

_"Did you?"_

"No! Listen, I need you to come get me."

_"Are you okay?" _

"Yeah…I forgot about the curfew change, and I pulled something in my leg. I don't think I can make it back in time on foot."

_"Wow. That's pretty big of you to admit that. You must _really_ not want Splinter to yell at you again." _

"Are you going to pick me up or not, Leo?"

_"Calm down, I'm coming. Where are you?" _

Limping slightly, Raph went over to the edge of the roof and looked at the street signs below. "117th and Oak. You'll pass April's on the way here."

_"Okay. I'll be there in a few." _

Raph put his phone back on his belt and returned to stretching his sore leg. Even if he didn't have to walk home, he still had to climb down the fire escape. It hadn't even been five minutes when he felt his phone vibrating. He pulled it out and saw that Leo was calling him. He tapped the screen to accept the call. "What, Leo?"

_"This is not Leonardo." _

Raph repressed the urge to lodge one of his sai in the smokestack next to him. He drew a deep breath, trying to force himself to be calm. "Sorry, Sensei. I thought Leo was calling."

"_Of course you did. This is his phone." _

"So…um…what are you calling about?"

_"Leonardo will not be coming to pick you up." _

"Okay…so who is?"

_"Nobody. You were not mindful of your situation, and you chose to swim out further than you could swim back. Therefore, you will deal with the consequences of your choices. Remember, every minute past curfew is an hour of television privileges revoked."_

"Sensei, you're being totally unfair! I'm doing what I can _to_ get home before curfew!"

_"You should have planned ahead, then." _

"I forgot that you switched the time!"

_"In combat, 'forgetting' is not an excuse. You cannot 'forget' about your opponent." _

"But I _would_ be home on time if you'll just let Leo come pick me up!"

_"Did it ever occur to you that this is not about the time you are home? It is about responsibility, Raphael. I will see you when you get here." _With that, the connection went dead.

Raph shouted. He had just enough presence of mind not to spike his phone onto the rooftop – instead, he punched the smokestack so hard that the metal dented. "Freakin' – Sensei – unfair – oh, I'm gonna _pound_ Leo – stupid curfew – _gaah_!"

The sound of an access door opening snapped Raph back into a ninja mindset.

An extremely angry, fuming, seething, livid ninja, but a ninja nevertheless.

He sank deeper into the shadows and silently moved away from the smokestack. If someone had come up here in response to his noise, that was probably where they would look first. Once he was near the edge of the building, he gathered his strength for a leap and jumped onto the next rooftop. His hamstring screamed in protest at the motion, and when he had melted into the shadows again, he mouthed every swear word – English _and_ Japanese – in his vocabulary.

Oh, getting home like _this_ was going to be as fun as all get out. Why had Leo told Splinter anyway? Hadn't he told him that Raph had _injured_ himself?

But Raph could just imagine calling back and having _that_ conversation with Splinter. _Are you unable to walk?_ Splinter would probably say. If Raph lied and said _no_, his brothers would make fun of him for the next week. If he told the truth and said _yes_, then Splinter would probably tell him to suck it up – in not so many words.

As Raph walked across the building to the other side, limping slightly, he tried to come up with some other options – he could call Casey, but Casey still had a learner's permit. He wouldn't be able to drive alone, and if Raph remembered correctly, Casey had lost driving privileges anyway. Despite April's tutelage, Casey simply hadn't gotten his grades up to where his parents would let him drive again.

_April._ That was a solution Raph hadn't considered. She couldn't drive, but Kirby could – and he would probably be more than happy to do so. Raph _thought_ April had mentioned something about Kirby owning a car. Rather than calling, he figured he'd just travel the rest of the way there, since their apartment was just ten or so buildings over.

After those ten jumps, Raph wished he had called instead. His hamstring was throbbing so badly that climbing down the fire escape to April's window would be a feat.

_Maybe I _should_ walk the rest of the way home,_ Raph thought. _I'd be really sore. That would show Sensei. He'd feel really bad about it, and realize what a stupid dictator he is. _

Even as he started down the fire escape, Raph knew that a non-critical injury would garner absolutely no sympathy from Splinter – he'd probably launch into some stupid lecture about fighting one's way through injuries. Raph would probably still have to do training tomorrow anyway.

_This is _not _my day. _

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, I have to admit that this really is my first attempt at writing something resembling a comedy. It's more of a dark, angsty comedy than it is a lighthearted one. I'm not sure how funny it actually is, though. I know that <em>I <em>was laughing when I wrote Raph's exchanges with Leo and Splinter. I do have some truly comical things coming up, so I hope that if you're here for the humor, you'll stick around. I would appreciate some constructive criticism. Thanks for reading, and I hope you're enjoying! **


	3. Chapter 3

Slowly, Raph worked his way down the fire escape to April's window. He was about to knock when he heard a voice from inside that was not April's. He bristled at the thought of an intruder. In full stealth mode, he hit the floor of the fire escape noiselessly, listening carefully.

"Stop it, Irma," April said. Her voice sounded totally relaxed, if not a bit annoyed. "I'm not telling you about my alleged 'secret friends,' and if I did have any, and they were secret, why would I tell you?"

_Irma. Right,_ Raph thought. _That's her friend that Casey doesn't like._

Of course April had to have company the one night that he needed her to be alone with her dad. The way this day had gone, why would Raph have expected anything different? Rolling his eyes, he pulled out his phone to send a text to her. She could at least excuse herself from the conversation long enough to tell her dad – and from the sound of the conversation, he would be doing April a favor by allowing her to change the subject. He started typing in his text when Irma spoke loudly.

"Okay, you won't tell me about your secret friends. Will you at least tell me _why the heck_ you're dating _Casey Jones_?"

Raph stopped texting and strained his hearing, waiting for April's answer. This was actually perfect. He could find out what April thought of Casey without having to deal with the awkward task of asking her.

"I'm not _dating _him," April said. Raph wished he could peek through the window to see her face, because he couldn't get a read on the tone of her voice. "He's just a friend."

_Ooh, friend-zoned,_ Raph thought, cringing on his friend's behalf. Still, he felt some small relief on Donnie's account. If April was talking to a friend about this, chances were that she was being totally honest.

"So why do you hang out with him so much?"

"He's a cool guy," April said, her tone suggesting a shrug.

Raph smirked._ Well, Case, I guess you'll have to settle for being a 'cool guy.'_

"Okay, but you can't tell me there isn't some guy in your life that you're not telling me about," Irma snapped.

_Oh, for Pete's sake_, Raph thought, returning to his text message. _You have your answer, Irma. Shut up and stop pestering her already._ More to the point, he wanted Irma to leave so that April could bail him out of his predicament. It was already 10:10.

"What makes you so gosh-darn convinced that I'm so madly in love with somebody?"

"For heaven's sake, you drew hearts all over your printout of the periodic table!"

April laughed nervously. "I just like to draw hearts."

Raphael's brow shot up. He stopped typing in his message. _Hearts all over something science-y? _

"You're a terrible liar! Who is he?"

"Fine. He, uh, goes to private school. I met him at this martial arts class."

_Donnie, you sly dog,_ Raph thought, cracking a huge grin. _You actually managed to get April to like you, you stupid dork._ Being a few minutes late was worth discovering this information. As frustrating as everything had been today, it felt good to have some positive news to take home to his brother.

"What?" squealed Irma. "What's his name? Is he hot? Tell me everything!"

"Well, he's not exactly conventionally good-looking."

_You got that right, sister, _Raph thought, suppressing a snort. He went back to working on his text message, keeping part of his focus dedicated to their conversation.

As she continued, April's voice suggested that she was grinning. "But…he's pretty hot in his own weird way. He's seriously buff."

_Seriously buff? _Raph rolled his eyes. It must have been true that love was blind. It wasn't as though Donnie was a weakling, but _seriously buff?_

"What's his name?"

"I can't say," April said, her voice sounding embarrassed.

"You don't have secret friends, huh? You do! You have secret friends, and one of them is a guy you have the hots for! At least tell me about him, will you? You don't have to tell me his name."

"Okay. Well, he's really stubborn, and a little thick-headed. Okay, a _lot_ thick headed."

Taken aback, Raph paused his typing. While Donnie was stubborn, he was anything but thick-headed. Well, maybe not, he could get so fixated on tech that he ignored everything else. But thick-headed? Raph could think of any number of words to describe Donnie's various character flaws, but thick-headed was not one that came to mind.

"He's got a really bad temper, too. But underneath all of that, there's a heart of gold. He really cares about family, even when he's acting like a total jerk."

_Huh?_ Again, Donnie was a lot of things, but he wasn't a jerk. Who the heck was April talking about?

"The worst part is, he doesn't know that I like him at all," April continued, a dramatic flair entering her voice. "I may as well not exist. I mean, sure, he's my friend and everything, but he probably doesn't see _me_ the way I see _him_. I'm forced to spend every encounter knowing those gorgeous, brilliant green eyes won't ever look on me in the same light I see him!"

Raph's stomach somersaulted. Buff. Stubborn. Thick-headed. Bad-tempered, a jerk sometimes, but really cares about family.

_Green_ eyes.

April was talking about _him. _Not Donnie.

_Him_, Raphael.

His heart started pounding. _What the heck, what the heck, what the heck…_

He deleted the text message immediately, put his phone back on his belt, and retreated back to the roof. There was no way he was going to talk to her right after hearing that. She wasn't supposed to like _him. _She was supposed to like Donnie. Or Casey. Or heck, even some dude at her school would be fine. Somebody – anybody – _not him._

* * *

><p>April wore a triumphant smirk in response to Irma's dark scowl. Maybe that load of nonsense would finally get Irma to stop pestering her about boys.<p>

Irma folded her arms across her chest. "April, you just described Montgomery from that stupid teen romance novel your aunt gave me! Replace 'martial arts class' with 'art class', and it's all the same."

_Did I say martial arts?_ April thought. She shrugged. She had gotten so used to the word 'art' as part of that phrase that it just happened naturally. "Well, you know what they say – torture is unreliable, because at some point, people will just tell you whatever they think you want them to say."

"So seriously – do you have a guy you like or not?"

April slapped a palm to her forehead. What was it with Irma and boys? What was it with her aunt and boys? All of the pressure from Donnie and Casey fighting over her was bad enough – why was it so ridiculously important to everyone that she have a boyfriend? Why did drawing hearts have to mean she was in love with somebody? They had a certain symmetry she had always liked – and it was a fun challenge to get it just _so_ when drawing them freehand.

"_Honestly_, no," April said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I don't have a guy I like. I don't have time in my life for a boyfriend. Why is that so hard for you to get? I just like drawing hearts!"

* * *

><p>Sitting on the roof, Raphael's head spun. April liked him. April liked <em>him. <em>

She was right. He didn't see her as anything more than a friend. He had no idea that she liked him so much. How could he have not noticed? He saw her almost every day.

She thought he was _seriously buff._

A tiny smile crept onto his lips. April thought he was hot. April thought _he _was _hot! _ _Chew on that, Casey! _

Suddenly, Raph's stomach went cold again. What exactly was he supposed to tell Casey? Even more importantly, what would he tell Donnie? April meant the world to Donnie. Donnie might not ever speak to him again if he found out. There was no way he could do that to Donnie – it was always turtles first.

But Raph couldn't help but feel strangely elated by the fact that April liked him, that a girl actually thought he was _hot_. It was more than he had ever even dreamed of. Love was for saps like Donnie or Leo or Mikey, saps who were dumb enough to hope that any girl in the world would ever do anything but scream in terror at the sight of them. April wasn't an exception to that – she had screamed when she first saw them. If it hadn't been for the Kraang, she wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them at all.

No. No, there was no way that she really liked him. There was no way she actually thought that he was hot. She must have seen him, and was goofing off for his benefit. Or punishing him for snooping, or something like that. The next time she dropped by the lair, she would scold him for eavesdropping, they would all have a good laugh, and things would go back to normal.

He'd never thought of April as anything but a friend, and that wasn't about to change now. Even if she was serious, she would just have to learn to deal with the fact that he didn't feel the same way. If she really thought that turtles were good-looking, maybe Donnie would eventually succeed in catching her eye. He was tall. Girls were supposed to think that tall was handsome and dreamy, right?

Turtles first. Raph would never allow something to come between him and his brothers, least of all a girl. Nevertheless, as he worked his way back to the lair, Raph felt strangely lighter, and the sharp pain in his leg had receded into a dull ache, almost forgotten.

When he walked through the turnstiles, Raph groaned to see Splinter sitting on the sofa, reading a book. Splinter calmly put a bookmark between the pages and closed the book. "11:25. Fifty-five minutes late. Only eleven days without television."

Raph bit back a string of expletives. "Where's everyone else?"

"In bed, as they should be. We have training at five tomorrow."

"Hai, Sensei." Raph balled his fists tightly, clenched his jaw, and headed for his room.

"A moment, Raphael?"

_Gaah! _He could _not_ catch a break today! "Hai, Sensei?"

Splinter gestured to the sofa. "Please: come and sit with me."

_Oh, no. _What could it possibly be now? "Hai, Sensei." Raph walked over and sat down.

Splinter leaned over and picked something up from beside his end of the sofa. Raph bit his lip, wondering what it was.

It was an icepack, wrapped in a towel. Splinter handed it to him. "How is your leg? Leonardo mentioned that you pulled a muscle."

Begrudgingly, Raph took the icepack and positioned it on the back of his thigh. The cold was soothing against the hot ache. "I walked it off, for the most part." _Not that you care._

"Good," Splinter said. He leaned over again, this time producing a water glass and a bottle of ibuprofen. "Normally, I would prefer that you meditate through the pain – and I still encourage you to do so – but I suspect you may have some difficulty doing so tonight."

"Ya think?" The words were out of Raph's mouth before he could stop himself.

"As a matter of fact, I do. Take two of those."

Raph knocked back two of the small dull red tablets; Splinter reached over the side of the couch again. Wondering what it would be this time, Raph was startled to see Splinter's good teapot and a teacup. Splinter poured a cup of tea and handed it to Raph, then retrieved a second cup from beside the couch and poured himself a cup.

"Jasmine," Splinter said. "To calm the senses."

Raph had never much liked tea, but he knew enough about etiquette to know that turning this down would be inexcusable. He took a small sip – to his surprise, it was sweet. "You put sugar in this?"

"In your cup, yes. I do not prefer it myself."

_Wow. _With the sugar in it, and the fragrance of jasmine flowers drifting up from the steamy cup, Raph found that he actually liked it. It _was _soothing – and in spite of everything, he started to feel himself calming down. He mentally kicked himself for being rude as he remembered social protocol. Even though Splinter was his father and they were in a casual setting, this was rather big deal, especially considering that Splinter only pulled out his good teapot for formal occasions. Something about that teapot always had made Raph feel like he ought to be on his best behavior, or else. "Sensei, _dōmo arigatō gozaimashita._"

Splinter smiled broadly. "You are quite welcome, my son." The two of them finished their tea in silence; Splinter took Raph's empty cup and set it back down beside the couch near the teapot. "Fifteen minutes have passed. You should remove the ice."

Raph sighed and took the icepack away from the back of his leg. He had always hated the _off_ of the fifteen minutes on, fifteen minutes off rule.

Splinter ran his hand along the length of his beard several times before speaking. "I understand why you had so much difficulty today."

A small amount of anger – greatly diminished from the effects of the tea – leapt up inside Raph's mind. "Why's that?"

"Because, Raphael, as much as you would like to deny it, you have great compassion and heart. You care enough for your fellow living creatures to see killing – when avoidable – as morally deplorable. Yet you also know that to allow another being to suffer is morally deplorable. If you had no ethical bearings whatsoever, no compassion in your heart, this decision would have been easy for you. I am proud that you struggled with the decision."

Raph's mouth fell open. "Then what was with you chewing me out earlier?"

Splinter cocked an eyebrow. "I 'chewed you out' not because of your struggle, but because you chose to avoid it rather than address it. You have created an image of yourself – an image where you are only a fighter – that does not reflect your true self. I know that you see compassion in yourself as a weakness, but it is your greatest strength. This is why I want you to step outside of your comfort zone – outside of the self-imposed limits of who you think you are – and discover who you truly are."

Raph nodded. He picked up his water glass and drained it. As he stared at the bottom of the glass for several minutes, he thought he might have figured out what Splinter would have done in that situation. "You would have put the Kraang out of its misery."

"Incorrect."

Raph jerked up his head in disbelief. "Then what would you have done?"

"Decisions like that can only be made by the person in that situation. I cannot know what I would have done, because I did not live it. When the line between right and wrong becomes blurred, there are no hard and fast rules. It is never simple. However, your answer has told me one thing: you now know that the best choice for you in that situation would have been to end the Kraang's suffering. If you had reached the other conclusion, thinking that life is not yours to take, that would have been right also. The problem was that you did not make a decision, and avoided it until it was too late. Fifteen minutes have passed."

Raph blinked in amazement, not just by Splinter's response, but by the fact that he so casually switched subjects. Raph repositioned the icepack, sighing in relief at the cold.

"How do you feel?"

"It doesn't hurt as bad as it did."

"I mean, how do you feel about yourself?"

Raph rolled his eyes. _Feelings? _Other people might have feelings – he had attitudes. Feelings were soft and squishy and messy, and Raph just wasn't that kind of…

_Step outside of the self-imposed limits of who you think you are – and discover who you truly are._

He drew a deep breath, and allowed one feeling besides anger to slip up to the surface of his mind. "Ashamed." It startled him even as he said it.

"Acknowledge this, and work past it. Shame teaches us to learn and become stronger, but to cling to it tethers us down. The next time you are faced with a dilemma, Raphael, you will know what to do."

Surprisingly, Raph actually felt a little lighter. "Hai, Sensei."

Splinter stood up from the couch. "Know that I am always proud of you. Now – it is late. You should go to bed. Take the ice with you for now, but do not fall asleep with it. You may take another dose of that" – he gestured to the ibuprofen – "before training in the morning."

Raph also rose, and bowed to Splinter. "Hai, Sensei. Thanks."

Splinter smiled fondly and replied with a far shallower bow. "Of course. Rest well."

As Raph limped to his room, he realized that he was already faced with another dilemma – the issue of April's affection for him. It was another dilemma he simply couldn't ignore until it was too late, but he certainly had time to think about it. In the morning, when his head was somewhat clearer, he would be ready to face the issue. For now, he was exhausted. After a few more minutes with the icepack, he pulled up his covers and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: It was brought to my attention that the bit with April telling Irma about the character Montgomery was a little vague. I went back and re-wrote it slightly to make it more clear: April is feeding a bunch of baloney to Irma just to get her to shut up.**

* * *

><p>Raph woke to the sharp rapping of a staff on his door.<p>

"Raphael! Training in fifteen minutes!"

Groaning, Raph glanced at his clock. Normally, Splinter expected them to wake up on time on their own. If they didn't, he would wait until they did, then punish them accordingly. The fact that Splinter had woken Raph up was an indication that Splinter was indeed sympathetic to his son's predicament.

Raph lay on his bed for a few minutes, staring up at the dark ceiling. He'd had a dream about April, and he hadn't liked it at all. Okay, he _had_ liked it, but he definitely didn't _want _to. As the object of both his best friend's and his brother's affections, April was completely off limits. Raph had no business whatsoever dreaming about kissing her. He never had before, and he wasn't supposed to now.

_…the self-imposed limits of who you think you are…_

Raph pushed all thoughts of April from his mind. He wasn't avoiding the issue – it wasn't something that needed to be addressed immediately – he was being practical. He probably only had ten minutes 'til training now, and he wasn't even geared up.

When Raph stood up, his leg was so stiff that he winced. He grabbed the water glass he kept beside his bed and popped two of the ibuprofen, then slowly tried to stretch. Training on this was going to be downright brutal. Raph looked at the dosing instructions on the bottle; it said to take only two at a time, but he seemed to recall that Donnie once said one could get away with four as long as it wasn't on an empty stomach. Shrugging, he took two more, strapped on his gear, and hurried to the kitchen to grab a granola bar, which he munched on as he traipsed across the lair. He lingered outside the dojo until he could swallow – Splinter had strictly prohibited any food inside.

"Ah, Raphael. Just in time," Splinter said, as Raph walked inside. "We will begin with meditation."

Raph groaned inwardly. Meditating was easily one of Raph's weakest skill sets; surprisingly, even Mikey was better at it than him. Of course, considering that they did it so early in the morning, Mikey might have been sleeping, not meditating. Trying to remember to push himself out of what he thought was his natural element, he thrust himself headlong into the task…

…and was unsuccessful.

The whole training session was probably one of the most pathetic of Raph's life. During the beginning meditation, he hadn't been able to think about anything other than his dream and the conversation he'd overheard the night before. As they launched into sparring, Raph was paired opposite Donnie, and all Raph could think about was how hurt Donnie would be if he ever found out. And, as he got him shell handed to him over and over again, even by Mikey, he started to get so angry that he could hardly think about anything except how mad he was. He re-pulled his hamstring right toward the end, when Splinter was teaching them all a new kata, and had to sit on the sidelines while his brothers finished. Sitting still and trying to stretch his leg was just as bad – it reminded him of how he'd been in so much pain right before going to ask April for a ride home. During the ending meditation, his mind refused to be still.

_April really likes me? _

_No. That's not possible. She'll drop in after school today and tell me how she saw me sitting out there, and serves me right, and we'll laugh about it. _

_But, I mean, she is kind of pretty…_

_No. Absolutely not. She's off limits. Turtles first. _

_She thinks I'm hot. _

_What about Casey? He's my best friend…how could I go back on him? _

_Gaah…I'm so not cut out for this stupid stuff! I'm a fighter…_

_Self-imposed limits, blah, blah, blah…_

When Splinter finally dismissed them, Donnie came over to Raph's side and offered to help him up. Scowling, Raph refused.

"Come on, Raph, it sounds like you wrenched your leg pretty badly. Let's get you some ice."

"I don't want your help, Donnie." Raph couldn't even look at Donnie without feeling horrifically guilty. He hadn't wanted to get involved in this April business on Casey's behalf in the first place, and now that April liked _him…_

They went their separate ways. Donnie went to his lab, Leo stayed in the dojo – show off – and Mikey went to his room. Shaking his head, Raph limped his way to the kitchen, where Ice Cream Kitty helpfully handed him an icepack upon opening the freezer. Then he went out to the living room, propped his foot up, and started to turn on the television.

"Raphael!"

Raph cringed at the sound of Splinter's voice. Fifty-five hours worth of TV time revoked. _Right._ "Sorry, I forgot." He flipped it off.

"Hmm. You seem to be preoccupied." Splinter stood behind the couch, looking down at Raph. "Is something bothering you?"

"You mean besides my leg, and the fact that I bombed training?"

"Yes, besides that."

Raph clenched his jaw. "No."

"Very well, then," Splinter said, in a tone of voice indicating that he was not convinced. Nevertheless, he walked back into the dojo.

Mikey walked into the living room and plopped down on the floor in front of the television. "Hey, Raph. I'm gonna watch some TV. It's that new show that started two weeks back. Too bad you can't stay for it."

"You are _so _lucky that I can't get up to pound you!" Raph snarled. "No, you're not _watching TV_. I'm out here putting my leg up, and I can't watch TV. As long as I'm here, the TV stays off!" Out of the corner of his eye, Raph saw Donnie carrying something from the lab to the kitchen. Raph hated that he suddenly had this sense of hyper-awareness every time he saw Donnie. _Stupid April…_

Mikey grinned evilly, then cupped his hands on either side his mouth. "Sensei! Raph won't let me watch TV!"

Raph started to clamber up from the couch, his anger burning more furiously than the pain. "Oh, I'm gonna – "

"Why won't you let him watch TV, Raph?" a feminine voice said.

His heart pounding, Raph whipped his head around to see April jumping over the turnstiles. "April!" His voice cracked as he spoke, and his face became so hot he felt like his cheeks must have been the color of his mask.

April grinned and shook her head. "Why so embarrassed? It's not like I've never seen you beat up on Mikey before."

"Raph can't watch TV," Mikey said, almost gloating. "He broke curfew last night. And now he's being a jerk and not letting me watch TV."

"I told you Mikey," Raph snarled, "I'm icing my leg here. I don't want to walk all the way to my room."

"Oh, no! You're hurt? What happened?" April walked over and sat down on the couch next to Raph's feet.

Raph's face got even hotter. "I – I, um…what are you even doing here, April? It's nine in the morning. Shouldn't you be at school or something?"

April frowned slightly. "It's Saturday. I do my individual training with Splinter at 9:30. You know…like I have for the last year or so?"

"Oh…right…"

"Are you okay? You seem really worked up."

"I'm not worked up!" Raph's voice cracked again; he hadn't had this problem since he was 13.

"What is going on out here?" Splinter roared, as he stepped out of the dojo. His face changed from one of anger to polite greeting. "Oh. Hello, April."

"Hey, Sensei," April said, smiling and waving. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Just Mikey and Raph being Mikey and Raph."

Mikey clasped his hands together. "But Sensei…Raph won't move and I really, really want to watch my show! It's supposed to be the best episode so far!"

Splinter sighed and rolled his eyes. "Raphael…"

"Fine, I'm moving." Raph pushed himself off the couch. As angry as he was, at least he had an excuse to get away from _stupid April_ and her _stupid crush_ that she wasn't supposed to _stupid have_.

April shot him a sympathetic look. "Raph, I know you're all tough and everything, but you really look like you're in pain. Let me help you." She got up off the couch and offered a shoulder to him for support.

Raph hesitated as his stomach did a back flip. His mind wandered back to his dream. It had started with him putting an arm around her shoulder, and then she'd kissed him on the cheek, and then their lips were pressed together…

He was seconds away from accepting when Donnie walked out of the kitchen, munching on an apple.

"No!" Raph shouted, his voice shrill. "I don't need help from anyone – least of all a girl!"

April crossed her arms. "What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah, Raph, what does that mean?" Donnie glared at Raph as he walked over to them. "Don't talk to my – don't talk to April like that!"

Raph started to sweat. Donnie, Mikey, April, and Splinter were all staring at him, expecting a response or apology of some kind. "Gaah! Just leave me alone!" He turned and ran to his room, slamming and locking the door behind him. He collapsed face first onto the bed, panting with pain, embarrassment, and anger.

He'd left his icepack in the den. With a moan, he pulled his pillow over his head.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, there was a gentle knock at the door. Raph had fallen asleep, and when he picked his head up, a string of drool stuck to the bed. His pillow was on the floor. It hadn't sounded like Splinter's knock, so Raph decided it was safe to ignore it and hope that whoever it was would go away.<p>

The knock repeated, slightly firmer. "Raph? It's Leo."

"Go away, Leo!"

"I brought you some lunch – we got Antonio's. Just let me in."

Raph opened his mouth to repeat himself, but then his stomach loudly informed him that he hadn't eaten anything but a measly granola bar all day. Wincing at the pain in his leg, he got up and opened the door.

"Hey, bro." Leo greeted Raph with a somewhat sad smile. "How's your leg?"

Raph snatched the paper plate that Leo was holding. Leo could take his sympathy and stupid face somewhere else. This was all Leo's fault. If Leo had just kept his yap shut, then Raph would never have gone by April's place. He was about to close the door, but Leo stuck his foot in.

"Hey, come on. Let me talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you, Leo. You ratted me out to Splinter."

Leo rolled his eyes. "Ha, ha. Because Splinter's a rat. Real mature, Raph. "

"Not as much of a rat as you."

"I didn't _rat you out_. I was climbing into the Shellraiser and he asked me where I was going."

"That sounds like you ratted me out."

"I didn't know he was going to stop me!"

"Well, you should've known!"

"How the heck was I supposed to know?"

"Oh, please. Don't you guys have some sort of stupid mental bond?" Raph searched around for the most hurtful thing he could think of so that Leo would go away – then he remembered the surest, easiest way to make Leo angry. "You're his _favorite_."

It had the opposite intended effect. Instead of leaving, Leo snarled and pushed against the door even harder. "I'm _not _his _favorite_!"

With only one hand free, Raph had to throw his body against the door to keep Leo from getting in. "Oh yeah? Every sensei has an _uchi-deshi_!"

"Did he _tell _you that?"

"He doesn't _need_ to!"

_"_So, you're saying that _I'm_ Sensei's favorite, and that because of that we _share each other's thoughts_, and I used that _just to make sure _that you got in trouble. Do you even _hear _yourself?"

Raph sighed. He did sound ridiculous. This whole thing was messing him up. He stopped blocking the door; it swung open rapidly under Leo's weight and he stumbled into the room.

"_Thank _you," Leo said, once he'd recovered his balance.

Raph sat down on his bed and started eating the pizza that Leo had brought him.

Leo shut the door and leaned up against it, his arms folded across his chest. "Seriously. What is _with_ you and insisting that I'm Sensei's _uchi-deshi_? Do you _honestly_ believe that?"

"Only when I'm mad." Raph immediately stuffed another bite of pizza in his mouth so that he wouldn't start yelling again.

"Great. So all the time, then." Leo put a hand on his face. "Look, I'm sorry about telling Splinter that I was picking you up, but I seriously didn't know he was going to stop me. Do you think I'd _want _you to miss out on TV? It's something we all do together – it's not as much fun without you."

"What do you want, Leo?"

"Well, I wanted to see if you were okay. But, I wanted to apologize. I wasn't a very good leader yesterday. You came to me for advice, and…I let you down."

_I let _myself _down,_ Raph thought, as he bit off another piece of pizza. "Hmph."

"Raph…" Leo walked over and sat down on the bed next to him. "You're not acting like yourself today. You can't let that stupid Kraang get to you this much."

"It's not the Kraang."

"Well then, what is it?"

As he swallowed the last of his pizza, he debated whether he wanted to tell Leo about his predicament. Stalling, he folded up his empty paper plate. "Is there still some of that cola in the fridge?"

"I think so," Leo said, raising an eyebrow. "At least, if Mikey hasn't gotten to it first. Do you want some?"

"Yeah."

Leo had just barely stood up when a bloodcurdling scream echoed through the lair.

Raph's heart nearly stopped.

_It was April._


	5. Chapter 5

Raph immediately jumped up from the bed; like Leo, he automatically reached for the weapons that they didn't have – they had actually left them in the dojo. They exchanged a tense look.

April's scream was joined by Mikey's. With that, Raph and Leo burst out of the room.

"I think they're in the kitchen," Leo said, in hushed tones.

Raph nodded. As one, they started running for the kitchen.

April had stopped screaming, but Mikey still seemed to be in hysterics. "Donnie-e-e!"

Donnie poked his head out of his lab. "_What_ is going on?"

"I don't know." Leo signaled to Donnie. "Come on." The three of them ran to the kitchen; Mikey and April stood in front of the wide open fridge door.

The minute Mikey saw them, he ran over to Donnie and punched him on the chest. "What the heck, D?"

Donnie chuckled nervously. "Oh, yeah, sorry…I was gonna put up a note, but I forgot…"

"You _forgot?" _April shouted, throwing her hands up into the air. "There's a _Kraang_ in the _refrigerator, _and you _forgot_?"

Raph and Leo both leaned over so that they could see. Sure enough, the Kraang from yesterday was inside a container, sitting on the shelf next to the cola. Raph had to look away; the sight made his stomach turn.

Leo put his palm to his forehead. "Um, Donnie, would you care to explain why it's in there in the first place?"

"Well, I was going to do the autopsy once I've done some molecular analysis on the toxin, but this morning I found out that my fridge in the lab was shorted out."

"So, instead of thinking, 'Oh, maybe I should do the autopsy now,' you thought, 'Hey, I'll just stick this in the refrigerator and not tell anybody!'"

"It's not like it's hurting anything…"

"It's freaky!" Mikey said. "It was freaky yesterday, and it's freaky now!"

April folded her arms. "You can't possibly tell me that you don't think this is at least a little messed up."

Donnie scratched his head. "Well…maybe a _little…"_

Finally, Raph couldn't take it anymore. "Really, Donnie? If that was a human, would you feel the same way? Just because they're aliens doesn't mean the Kraang don't deserve at least a little respect!"

"Raph's right," Leo said. "I mean, the Kraang are…what's the word…"

"Sentient." Donnie slammed the fridge door shut. "But if it had been a person and I needed to do an autopsy, we'd still be in the same situation. I mean, I'd have to take out all the shelves first…"

"And maybe you wouldn't have forgotten to tell us, 'Hey, there's a dead person in the fridge!'" April said.

"I really am sorry it startled you, April," Donnie said, walking over to her and laying a hand on her shoulder.

Mikey pointed to himself. "What about me? I got startled by the Kraang _and_ by April screaming."

April shoved Donnie's hand away. "Seriously, Donnie – just get that autopsy done as soon as possible so I can forget this ever happened."

"Um, actually, can you help me with that?" Donnie said. "The sooner I get the toxin analyzed, the sooner I can do the autopsy. I'd really appreciate it."

"Sounds like a blast." April rolled her eyes. "I'll help." As the two of them left the kitchen, Raph overheard April saying, "So what exactly is the story with that thing?"

Mikey, Raph, and Leo all stood in the kitchen exchanging uncomfortable glances.

"Well," Leo said, "I think Donnie may have topped himself in the category for weirdest thing ever done."

Despite the fact that seeing the Kraang had rattled him slightly, Raph couldn't suppress a snort of laughter.

"I don't want Ice Cream Kitty to be stuck in the same fridge as that thing," Mikey said.

"Oh, come on, Mikey, the freezer is a totally different compartment," Leo said. "Everything is going to be fine." He shook his head. "So, Raph…you still want that cola?"

"Water sounds good," Raph said hastily, taking a step toward the sink. To his surprise, Leo grabbed a glass from the cabinet and handed it to him. "Thanks." Raph turned on the water and let it run until it was nicely cold, then filled the glass.

"Can you get me a glass too, Leo?" Mikey asked.

Raph watched as Leo took another glass, filled it, and then handed it to Mikey. Leo always seemed to have that instinct for taking care of them – which was fine until he started power-tripping on his position as leader. _Maybe I was a little too hard on him. He did say he didn't want me to get in trouble._

Mikey emptied his glass of water and belched noisily. "That was lame. It'd be twice as long if I'd had soda."

"Yes, we all know." Leo rolled his eyes.

"I'm gonna go watch Super Robo Mecha Force Five. You wanna come watch with me?"

"No thanks. I think I'm gonna see if I can figure out that kata Splinter was teaching us earlier."

"Whatev, dude." Mikey set his glass down on the table and left the kitchen.

Leo clicked his tongue. "He could have at least put it in the sink. Do you wanna join me in the dojo, Raph? I could use a partner."

"Not really feeling up to sparring right now," Raph said. He grabbed Mikey's glass and put it into the sink along with his own.

"I just need you to critique my form."

"What about Splinter?"

"He went out for a walk after he finished training April."

_Why the heck not?_ Raph thought. After all, it was a free pass to criticize Leo. "Sure."

As they walked the short distance to the dojo, Leo checked his pace. Raph had always hated it when Leo picked up on those types of things – he was so good at it, and half the time, Raph didn't want any kind of consolation or help. As for the other times, he would never admit that he was thankful, but he was.

Raph sat down on the floor and gently stretched his leg while Leo warmed up. Neither of them spoke; they didn't need to. Besides the occasional _kiai_ from Leo, the whole dojo was enveloped in comfortable silence.

_Stupid April._ Didn't she get that it was turtles first? This kind of thing – this perfect, harmonious connection with his brothers – was hard enough to achieve without her throwing a wrench into things. And what about Casey? Raph and Casey had worked out such a beautiful, seamless system built totally on trust. Trust that would be shattered by something like this.

Leo grabbed his swords from their hooks on the wall. "You want your sai?"

"Sure."

After Leo had tossed the sai to Raph, he started trying to master the new kata they'd learned that morning. Raph tried to find flaws in Leo's form, but he'd been so preoccupied earlier that he really didn't know what to look for. Instead, he absentmindedly practiced his wrist techniques, and found his thoughts drifting back to April.

She really was quite pretty. And she had a tough streak – a downright aggressive streak – that Raph admired. He'd never thought before about just how attractive the symmetry of her curves was. And she was smart, too – not Donnie smart, but smart. It was no wonder that Donnie liked her so much.

_Donnie. _ If it was really turtles first, then Donnie deserved the truth. And if Donnie deserved the truth, then Casey did too.

But how could he possibly tell them?

Leo nudged Raph's foot with the flat of his katana. "You're doing a great job spotting for the floor. Has it made any mistakes yet?"

"Hmph." Raph folded his arms across his chest.

Leo sat down. A few moments of silence passed; again, it was that wonderful, comfortable silence. Nothing was complicated or difficult. Raph looked over and saw that Leo was studying him closely with an expression of concern.

"Raph, I know you don't like to talk about stuff. But I'm here if you need me."

Raph nodded and absentmindedly twirled his sai. Leo got back up from the floor and went back to practicing; once again, the noises of his exertion were the only sound in the dojo.

Leo was right. Raph didn't like to talk. He hated to talk. That wasn't who he was. He figured things out on his own.

_The self imposed limits of who you are…_

Raph sighed. This was certainly an opportunity for him to step out of his comfort zone. Maybe Leo would have some good advice, and even if he didn't, Raph wouldn't be alone in this anymore. Normally, he'd want to be alone.

As much as Raph didn't want to admit it, this was so far out of his element that he couldn't deal with it on his own. He drew a deep breath and took the mental step forward to admit that he needed help. "Hey, Leo? I need to bounce something off you."

"Shoot," Leo said, not stopping his practicing.

_Darn you, Leo,_ Raph thought. Leo knew that Raph had a harder time talking about stuff when people were looking at him. It wasn't anything Raph had ever said, either. Leo just picked it up. _You make it so hard for me to hate you. _

Raph tilted his head as he realized something was off in Leo's stance. "I think Sensei said to pull the shoulder blades together more than that."

"Oh. Like this?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks. Yeah, that feels right now. So what's up?"

"Well, I sort of…overheard April telling her friend about this guy she likes."

Leo stopped. "Wait, you were eavesdropping on April?"

"Not really on purpose. It just sort of happened. I was going to ask her to see if Kirby could drive me home…and…yeah. She had her friend Irma over, and they were talking about boys."

Leo raised a brow. "And you felt the need to stay for that?"

"Yeah. See, Casey kind of put me up to asking April what she thought of him, and I was going to, but when I heard them talking, I thought that this way, I wouldn't have to actually ask her."

"So what's the problem? You got your answer for Casey, right?"

"Well, yeah, and the answer isn't him."

"He'll get over it." Leo returned to working on the kata.

"No, Leo, I need you to listen to me." Raph was disgusted at the note of desperation in his own voice. "I – I'm totally out of my element here."

Leo paused. "Okay. I'm listening."

"April likes" – Raph couldn't bring himself to say _me – "_one of us."

Leo's eyebrows shot into the air. He sheathed his katanas. "Seriously? She really likes Donnie?"

"Um, no." Raph scratched the back of his neck.

Leo's mouth fell open. "What? Who?"

"I – I don't know how to say this."

Raphael could see the impact of the words _one of us_ sinking in. Leo's expression of awe deepened, and he started gesturing back and forth between the two of them.

Raph nodded.

"Is it me?"

"No."

Leo visibly relaxed. "Good. April's great and all, but…wait, she really likes _you_?"

"Well, she didn't say my name. But she described me."

"How are you sure it's you? Did she use the words 'ninja,' 'mutant,' or 'turtle'?"

"No. She said that she met the guy she liked through a martial arts class. We both know that April hasn't been taking martial arts anywhere but here."

"It's still not a lot to go on."

"Then she said he wasn't conventionally good looking – "

Leo snorted.

Raph glared. Then he chuckled a little. "Okay, so I laughed too, but I thought she was talking about Donnie at the time, not me."

"What else did she say?"

"That he was stubborn, thick headed, and had a really bad temper."

Leo started laughing. "Now that sounds like you." He caught a breath. "But still, that doesn't mean – "

"She said he had green eyes, Leo."

Leo stopped laughing. He looked genuinely surprised. "Well, that does add up." He started snickering again. "But _you_?_" _

"For your information," Raph said, his temper rising, "she said that I was 'hot' and 'seriously buff.'"

Leo doubled over, laughing even harder.

"Come on, Leo, I somehow doubt that Donnie would find this funny."

"What wouldn't I find funny?" Donnie stood in the doorway, his head tilted slightly.

Leo stood up straight and froze. "Donnie! How long have you been standing there?"

"I just walked in." Donnie folded his arms. "What wouldn't I find funny?"

"A joke," Raph said quickly. "Tell him the joke, Leo."

"Uh…" Leo put his hand on his chin. "So, this scientist…walks into a bar…and the bartender says, 'No nerds allowed'… and the scientist says, 'Why would I bring candy to a bar?'"

Donnie rolled his eyes. "You're right. I don't find that funny – and not because it's about scientists or nerds. It's a weak punch line. Now, if you want to hear a really funny joke…if two cats are sitting on the same inclined roof, which one will fall off first?"

"Um…the biggest one?"

"No! The one with the smallest…_mew!" _Donnie burst out laughing hysterically. "'Cause it sounds like _mu – _the static friction coefficient…get it?"

"What do you want, Donnie?"

"Ahhh…" Donnie wiped a tear from his eye and chuckled one more time. "Oh, yeah. I need a little extra help with the autopsy, and I can't exactly ask Mikey."

"Isn't April helping you?"

"I said extra help."

Leo shot Raph a sympathetic look. "I'll help you." He took his katanas from his back and re-hung them on the wall. "Hey, Raph – I'll tell you some more, uh, jokes later."

"If that's the best his jokes are, Raph, I'm actually doing you a favor," Donnie quipped.

"Yeah, thanks," Raph muttered.

As Leo and Donnie walked to the door, Raph shuddered at the thought that they were essentially going to be cutting up a Kraang. But part of the reason that Kraang was in there was Raph's responsibility. As much as it made his skin crawl, he knew he had to go with them. Tucking his sai into his belt out of habit, he followed them.

He had to understand the full weight of his choices.


	6. Chapter 6

Raph drew a deep, steadying breath as he, Leo, and Donnie made their way to the lab.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Leo asked softly.

"I'm not afraid of a stupid dead Kraang."

"I didn't say you were."

"Raph, don't be too hard on yourself," Donnie said. "It's actually to our benefit that it happened this way – I wouldn't have been able to conduct a proper autopsy otherwise."

Leo glanced at Raph and smirked. "Yeah, that's not a morbid and creepifying perspective at all."

Donnie stopped walking. "You guys accuse me of making up words, and then you _actually_ make up words."

They had paused in the living room, and Mikey looked at them over the back of the couch. "Yeah, Leo. Even _I_ know that 'perspective' isn't a word."

"No, Mikey, I meant 'creepifying'!"

Mikey grinned a little too broadly. "No, pretty sure that's a word, dude. I creepify, you creepify, he, she, it creepifies…I thought you were smart, Donnie!"

Raph and Leo shared a furtive wink. Donnie might have thought that Mikey was being stupid – and generally, he would be right – but they knew that in this case, Mikey was fully aware of what he was doing.

"I'm pretty sure Mikey's right," Leo said, more loudly than strictly necessary. "Today I creepify, yesterday I creepified, in the past I _have_ creepified…"

"In the future I _will _creepify…" Raph supplemented. In spite of everything, this kind of thing was always fun. It would only take a few more button pushes before Donnie lost his cool.

"And currently," Mikey said, holding up a finger, "I _am_ creepifying."

"Yeah, you _are _creepifying, Mikey," Donnie snapped, rolling his eyes.

"See, even Donnie agrees it's a word!"

"Yeah, it's regularly conjugated and everything," Leo said.

Donnie glared. "Oh, shut up, Leo. You wouldn't even know what 'conjugated' means if it wasn't for me!"

"Nah…I'm pretty sure Splinter taught us all of that stuff."

"Yeah…and it's pretty obvious what it means," Mikey said. "I mean, you're gatherin' all the words into one place."

"Con_jug_ated, Mikey!" Donnie howled. "Not con_greg_ated!"

"And now he's makin' up words again." Mikey grinned knowingly at Raph and Leo.

Donnie looked like a kettle about to start whistling. "I am not!"

Leo and Mikey burst out laughing. Leo laughed so hard that he had to cling to Raph for support; his hysterics were so contagious that Raph couldn't resist joining in. Mikey's laughter was punctuated by him pounding his fists on the back of the couch.

"Oh, I see what this is," Donnie growled.

"Mikey – Mikey," Leo wheezed between spasms of laughter. "We don't give you – don't give you nearly enough – enough credit."

"Ow…ow…my stomach! Can't stop – laughin'…" Tears were streaming down Mikey's face.

At that moment, Casey leapt over the turnstiles. "Hey, dudes, what's so funny?"

Leo and Mikey redoubled their mirth; Leo was reduced to soundless wheezes and Mikey positively howled. At this point, their reactions were so much more hilarious than the original joke that Raph, whose own stomach had started to cramp up, couldn't stop laughing long enough to respond to Casey.

"Okay, I'm guessin' that whatever it was, it was at Donnie's expense." Casey flipped up his mask and grinned widely. "Sorry I missed it."

Scowling, Donnie stomped to the lab.

"Dude – " Mikey panted, his voice shrill. "He – it's just too – too easy…"

After a few more moments, Leo finally started breathing normally again. "Ahem." He wiped a stray tear out of his eye. "I guess we should probably go help him, Raph."

Raph's merriment died immediately upon remembering their task. "I don't know if I want to be around an angry Donnie with a scalpel." He was trying to cover up his discomfort with another joke – after all, since when was he ever afraid of anything?

When Leo and Mikey had one more round of hysterical laughter, Raph was unable to join them. The fact that he was even asking himself that question was an indication that he _was_ afraid, in some small way. Not of the Kraang, perhaps, but of acknowledging what had truly happened. Would they learn that the Kraang's agony was even worse than Raph already suspected?

"Okay, that's enough," Leo said. "Let's go help Donnie with the autopsy."

"You guys are dissecting the Kraang now?" Casey said, his eyebrows raised. "Wicked nasty, dude! I got done with hockey practice just in time! Can I help too?"

Leo blinked in disbelief. "Wow, and I thought Donnie was morbid."

"Probably ought to sit this out, Casey," Raph said, folding his arms. Donnie, April, and Casey in the same room was bad enough _before_ he found out about April's stupid crush on him.

"Nyah...I'll be fine. My best grades this whole semester were for dissecting a frog in biology. Plus, I was the only guy in my class who managed not to barf when we watched a video of a baby pig being dissected."

"They were cutting up a pig? That's so cruel!" Mikey said.

"Um, it was dead."

"How could anybody ever cut up a pig, though? That's terrible!"

"You…do know what pepperoni is made of, right?"

"Pure magic?"

Casey drew a lip into his mouth. "Erm…yeah. So can I help?"

"I don't see why not," Leo said.

"I wanna help too!" Mikey leapt off the couch.

Casey walked over to Mikey and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "No offense dude, but you probably don't have the stomach for it."

"I'm not gonna watch – I'm gonna be there for moral support."

"Whatever, Mikey. You can come too. Let's just get in there before Donnie blows a gasket." Leo motioned toward the lab and they all headed there.

"You mean blows another one," Casey commented.

_Shut up, Casey,_ Raph thought as they filed into the lab. _Just keep your big, stupid, arrogant mouth shut, and maybe this won't be the single most awkward situation of my life. _

Donnie sat at his computer, squinting as if he were analyzing data. "You're right – that doesn't make much sense at all."

Behind him, April had her arms braced on the back of his chair as she looked over his shoulder. "I know, right?" She looked over at the others as they walked in. "Wow, Donnie, do we really need four more people to do this autopsy?"

Donnie jerked his head away from the computer screen and glared at them. "No, we just need one. Raph, you stay here. The rest of you get out."

Raph's stomach went cold. He'd wanted to be present for the autopsy, not actually assist in doing it. And being alone in the lab with _Donnie and April_? "Why me?"

"Because of all of you guys, I'm the least mad at you right now."

"What did _I_ do?" Casey asked.

"Come on, Donnie," Leo said, "we were just giving you a hard time. We all want to be here for this."

"_Want_ is a bit of a strong word," Raph grumbled.

Donnie sighed. "Fine. But only one of you can help. The rest of you, stay out of the way."

"So, what doesn't make sense?" Leo gestured toward the computer screen.

"Oh. April was going over the results again to see if there was anything we might have missed, but there wasn't. We've analyzed the toxin upside down and backward, and we can't figure out how it works. I mean, most toxins destroy metabolic functions on a cellular basis…but as far as I can tell, this stuff shouldn't actually harm any living thing."

"A toxin that's not toxic?" Casey scratched his head. "But you saw what it did to that Kraang."

"Yeah, that's the thing – obviously, it's lethal. I'm wondering if the substance is like this so it won't show up as a cause of death in forensic analysis."

"That doesn't make sense either, Donnie," April said. "Why would the Kraang care about human police forensics?"

"I don't know. Well, let's get this started. Mikey, Casey, you stand over there; Leo, you get scrubbed up."

"Um, actually, Casey is good at dissecting things," Leo said. "Plus, he's got more fingers than me. You know what they say…ten fingers are better than six."

The look on Donnie's face clearly indicated that he disapproved of the idea. "That's not how the saying goes."

"Actually, Casey did get an 'A' on his last bio lab," April said. "And no offense to turtle hands…but Leo has a point about the fingers when it comes to delicate work."

Donnie looked genuinely hurt. "I manage to get by."

"Yeah, but he's not as smart as you. No offense, Leo."

Leo grinned. "Hey, if it gets me out of having to touch dead Kraang innards, none taken."

"Okay then. Leo, Mikey, stand over there." Donnie seemed to be torn between being pleased by April's compliment and still mad at the fact that he was going to have to work with Casey. "Raph, April, would you go get the Kraang from the kitchen? Casey, come with me to get scrubbed up. I even have some gloves to fit your fancy _five-fingered_ hands."

"I can get the Kraang myself," Raph said quickly.

"Oh, because you don't need help from a girl?" April asked, planting an accusing finger on his chest. She kept on walking past him.

Biting back rage or embarrassment – at this point, he wasn't sure which – Raph followed after her.

"So, what's your deal today, Raph?" April said, once they were out of the lab.

Heat blossomed on Raph's cheeks. "I'm sorry I said that earlier. I didn't mean that girls are – not as good as guys."

April paused and looked at him with a half-smile. "Wow, are you actually apologizing?"

Raph glared at the floor. "Yeah."

"Apology accepted. But what's really bothering you? You've been acting weird since I got here. Is it because of the Kraang?"

Raph was caught in an instant of panic. If he said no, she'd ask what it was. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. Well, I'm here if you need me. Even if I am just a _girl._"

As they resumed their journey to the kitchen, with April walking in front of him, Raph tried his hardest not to look at the inviting scenery. It made him angry. Before today, he never would have given a second thought to April's appearance – she was his friend, practically his sister. Did she _really_ think he was hot? Did she really, honestly think that he wasn't a hideous, ugly freak, that he was somebody _worthy_ of being her boyfriend at some point? That she thought he was as attractive as he was beginning to realize she was?

_No. No way_. _April is off limits_.

As they walked into the kitchen, Raph wondered if maybe those limits were self-imposed, too.

"Huh. The freezer is open," April said. "That's really weird. Where's Ice Cream Kitty?"

Raph slapped a palm to his forehead. "Oh, no…Mikey must not have latched the doors right…again. Last time she got out, she got into the fridge and messed everything up. I swear, if she eats my blueberry yogurt again…" He snatched the refrigerator door handle and yanked it open.

_"Squeeeeeeee!" _

The interior of the refrigerator was covered in ice cream splatters; hissing, spitting, and growling, Ice Cream Kitty was locked in mortal combat with a flailing, squealing, angry, _very much alive_ Kraang.

Once the door was open, the Kraang launched itself out of the fridge and headed straight for April. She put up her hands instinctively to protect itself, and it latched onto her fingers, biting so fiercely that it drew blood.

April's scream echoed through the lair for the second time that day.

With a shout, Raph punched the Kraang; it let go and scuttled out of the kitchen. "April – are you okay?"

April clutched at her bloodied hand. "I think I'm going to need stitches…we've got to catch that thing! If it escapes…"

Without further hesitation, Raph ran out of the kitchen. Everyone else had run out of the lab, looking concerned. Raph didn't pay any attention to them. He had to find and stop that Kraang…

There. A pink blur of motion to his right. The little bugger was already about to slip into the waterways. Once it got in, they would probably lose it, and it would take their coordinates back to TCRI. They wouldn't be safe.

April wouldn't be safe.

The world slowed down. Raph knew what he had to do. It was absolutely necessary. Unavoidable. The only clear and right moral choice. His hands flew to the sai strapped to his belt.

As if he wasn't the one doing it, he watched his sai fly straight and true, watched as the spire disappeared into the vulnerable squishy pink flesh of his enemy. The Kraang stopped dead in its tracks; a pool of neon purple blood collected around it.

Raph's heart was pounding as the world sped up again. He was hardly aware of the noise that everyone else was making. His rage so frequently dictated him, the desire for justice so firmly ingrained in him, that he was shocked by his own horror. He had killed something. He had _killed _something. _On purpose_. He never once imagined that he would feel this way afterward – the fact that it had been the only right thing to do didn't make it any better.

A hand clapped him on the shoulder. "Nice shot, dude," Casey said.

Raph swallowed. "Yeah. Nice shot."


	7. Chapter 7

Raph lay on his bed, face planted firmly in his pillow.

He'd acted as though killing the Kraang was no big deal, tried to match Casey's nonchalance about the whole thing, put up the same unflappable, tough-guy front that he always did. April commended him on his fast reflexes. Donnie commended him for his quick thinking. Casey and Mikey cheered for Raph's pure, unadulterated awesomeness. He had grinned, and showboated, and reminded them not to forget it, all while on the inside feeling like he was seconds away from vomiting everywhere.

Leo, however, saw right through Raph's charade. He told Raph that it was the only right decision, and then suggested that Raph clean his sai off while the rest of them tried to figure out how the paralysis toxin had worked.

To everyone else, it had been a practical idea.

But what had actually happened was that Leo had created an avenue of escape for Raph. An excuse to leave. As he scrubbed his sai, he silently both thanked and cursed Leo's keen perception.

Cleaning the blood away seemed to be an insurmountable task. The Kraang's blood was thicker than the human blood Raph had cleaned up before; even more to the point, the human blood had always been from non-fatal wounds. Wounds inflicted to disable, not destroy. He had scrubbed the sai about ten times before he realized that it was perfectly clean after the second scrubbing. He put them away in the dojo; then, rather than going to the lab to join the others, he went straight to his room, locked the door, and collapsed onto his bed.

It seemed like every part of him hurt. His stomach tossed at the thought of the Kraang. His leg ached. His heart was tied in knots over April. His soul seemed to hurt, as if he had somehow killed a part of himself when he'd killed the Kraang.

Raph couldn't even remember the last time he'd cried about something – he couldn't have been much more than seven or eight. He'd always hated crying. It made him feel weak and vulnerable, gave his brothers a reason to make fun of him, let them see what he was feeling inside. So he had trained himself to suppress the instinct; the last time his eyes had even watered was when he was hit on the head so hard by a stray nunchuk – _thanks for that, Mikey_ – that his vision blurred and his stomach turned. Even then, he'd checked the physical response in its tracks. No tears. Not from him. Not ever.

Surely, in solitude, tears would be okay. Surely, after such a life changing event, tears would be appropriate. Surely, he could step out of his self-imposed limits long enough to mourn both the Kraang and whatever had left himself the minute he threw that sai.

Years of suppression, however, had turned off his instinct for tears. He dealt with things through anger. He didn't know how else to cope. So he simply lay on the bed, dizzy with rage, hating the Kraang, hating April, hating his brothers, hating Casey, hating Master Splinter…

…hating _himself._

There was a gentle knock at the door. It was no less than Raph had been expecting, and he begrudgingly appreciated how long Leo had waited. It had been at least a couple of hours. He got up and opened the door a crack.

"Hey," Leo said softly.

"Leave me alone, Leo."

"Actually, Sensei got back about an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk to you."

Raph growled in anger. "Fine." He opened the door and gruffly pushed his way past Leo. _Say something, Leo,_ he thought. _I dare you. I dare you to try to make me feel better, you stupid…_

But Leo said nothing, gave Raph no reason to be angry with him. Leo didn't even follow him past the living room. Apparently, Splinter wanted to talk to Raph alone.

When Raph walked into the dojo, he was surprised to see that Master Splinter had pulled out his ceremonial tea table. Splinter gestured for Raph to shut the door behind him. After shutting the dojo door, Raph came over, bowed deeply, and sat down at the table opposite of Splinter.

Wordlessly, Splinter poured the tea. Jasmine flowers seemingly danced through the air as the hot, pale golden liquid flowed from the spout into the cups. Blooms of steam spread the fragrance even further. Without even having touched a drop, Raph already felt like he was calming down some.

Once again, Splinter had put sugar in his cup. Even though he knew it was rude, Raph couldn't help drinking the tea as quickly as its temperature permitted. He wanted to be calm – wanted to find peace – somehow, anyhow…

Splinter made no comment when he saw that Raph's cup was empty. Instead, he measured out another spoon of sugar into it and refilled it. This time, Raph was able to drink the tea more slowly. Even so, when he had reached the bottom again, he couldn't help but feel that he was every bit as empty as the china cup in his hands.

While Raph stared into his cup, Splinter put something loud and metallic on the table in front of him. Raph's stomach twisted when he saw that it was his pair of sai. A moment later, Splinter inexplicably put a very old-looking tanto on the table as well. "I understand what you are feeling, my son. Twenty-five years ago, my home in Japan was attacked by the Foot Clan. I was sixteen years old, at home alone with my mother and three of my little cousins.

"Our attackers were relentless. There were at least twenty of them. My mother was marginally skilled with the naginata, and the oldest of my cousins, though she was handy enough with a tessen, was six. Of my other two cousins, one was three and the other in diapers. We told my cousins to hide, and my mother and I attempted to fend the Foot soldiers off. I disabled or rendered unconscious many of them.

"Nevertheless, the time came for me to make a choice. My mother was seconds from meeting her death at the point of a katana." Splinter picked up the tanto. "I could either let her die, or end the life of her assailant. What do you think I chose?"

Raph swallowed. He looked at the tanto, now understanding what it had in common with one of his sai.

"I had never killed a man before. I had never once stopped to imagine the sheer amount of blood a single body could produce, nor imagined the guilt that would burden me even though my actions were just. Though I have continued to use it for years and years, I am still not convinced that this tanto is clean."

"Does –" Raph choked on the word for a moment. "Does it get easier?"

"Killing? No. The soul that grows accustomed to killing is lost indeed. But living with yourself – forgiving yourself – that becomes easier."

Raph nodded. "How – how did you…move past it?"

"Upon his return, my father made jasmine tea for me. He showed me an old, broken bō-staff, and told me the circumstances of his first kill – how deeply it had affected him. He told me that his greatest prayer for me was that I would always feel such compassion, even for my enemies. He thanked me for defending our home with honor and integrity." Splinter reached across the table and put his hand on Raph's shoulder. "Thank you, Raphael."

"I don't feel very honorable." Raph hung his head.

"Neither did I. For those who are upright and honorable, taking a life is a very serious thing, and a terrible burden on the soul. Only a selfless man is willing to bear that burden for the sake of protecting others. The only thing more selfless is to die for others."

Unexpectedly, Raph felt his heart lighten. "Thanks, Sensei. It sounds like you had a pretty great father. If he'd put sugar in your tea, though, he'd be the best dad on the planet."

Smiling, Splinter stood up. "Come here, my son."

Raph got up and practically flew to the other side of the table, running into Splinter's embrace like he hadn't since he was a little kid - like he hadn't since the last time he had cried...

He remembered. He had been seven. A rabid rat had found its way into the lair, and Splinter had immediately dispatched it. Granted, as Donnie had pointed out later, reptiles were not at risk for catching rabies, but Splinter had been acting on the assumption that a rabid animal posed a threat to the safety of his family.

Raph remembered looking at the dead rat - it was gross and mangy and still had foam around its muzzle, but it had had almost the same coloration as Splinter had. Something about seeing it dead had shaken him, had been enough to push him over the edge into tears.

_"How could you just kill it, Sensei? It looked just like you! It's not right!"_

_"It is always right to protect the ones we love, Raphael, no matter how unpleasant the task may seem."_

* * *

><p>When Raph left the dojo, he found Leo sitting alone in the living room. "Where's everybody else?"<p>

Leo looked up from the television. "Huh? Oh, April had this thing with her dad and her aunt…apparently it's her aunt's birthday or something. I think Casey and Mikey went to go skate on the old subway tracks, and as far as I know, Donnie's in his lab, up to his eyeballs in notes." He flipped the television off. "Hey, um…how are you?"

Raph jumped over the back of the couch and sat on the opposite end from Leo. "A little shaky. But, you know, better."

"Have a good talk with Splinter, then?"

"Yeah." Raph sighed. It was time to step out of his element again. "Leo, I'm sorry for always calling you his favorite. It's just…you're always so sure of everything you do, and it's as obnoxious as heck." He wanted to go further, to say thank you, to say _You always seem to know just what I need, _but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. There was only so far he could go at a time.

"I'm not always sure, Raph. _Believe_ me when I say that. But Sensei's always telling me to 'step outside the self-imposed limits of who I think I am,' and I figure if I'm gonna do anything, I should at least act like my weight's behind it."

Raph was startled; Leo was still figuring out who he was, too.

"So," Leo said, "did you still want to talk about what you mentioned earlier?"

Raph drew a deep breath. He felt so totally lost. "Okay, so say you were gonna 'step outside your self-imposed limits' in this situation. What would you do in my place? Would you tell Donnie and Casey?"

"I'm not in your place, Raph. How am I supposed to know what I'd do?"

_Gaah, Leo, you're such a stupid mini-Splinter. _"Hypothetically."

"Well, I guess I would do whatever felt the most right, no matter what."

"What if none of it felt right?"

Leo put a palm on his forehead. "Then I'd do the thing that felt like the least wrong option, and I'd do it like I meant it, even if I was second-guessing it the whole time."

"Great, so now I just need to figure out what the least wrong option is."

"Well, how do you feel about April?"

"I don't know. I've never been attracted to her before, but now that I know how she feels about me…"

"Yeah, but would you be attracted to her if you _didn't_ know?"

The question startled Raph. "I guess…no."

"Why not?"

"Because she's off limits. Donnie's always liked her, and Casey does too."

"That's not really a reason for not being attracted to someone. I mean, you still think that, but you're obviously having second thoughts. Why weren't you attracted to her before now?"

"I guess…I just liked having a friend." _Nothing complicated. Simple._

"Is that what you still want?"

Raph buried his face in his hands. "I don't know."

"Well, it's not like you have to act on this immediately," Leo said. "You haven't even had twenty-four hours to think it over."

"Yeah," Raph stood up. "Thanks for the advice, Leo."

Leo smiled. "What are brothers for?"

Raph couldn't help but return the smile. "Punching bags, I always thought."

"That explains a lot."

"Your face explains a lot."

"You wanna play some cards?"

Once again, Leo seemed to know what Raph needed – a distraction, a break, so that he could work on this problem later. How could Leo always know, when the two of them had absolutely nothing in common?

Maybe Raph's strained relationship with his older brother was just another one of his self-imposed limits that he needed to break past.

"Okay," Raph said, plopping back down onto the couch, "but only if we don't use your lame-o _Space Heroes_ deck."


	8. Chapter 8

Raph sat in his room. His eyes had traveled over the same panel in his manga about 20 times and he still hadn't figured out what was going on in it. This whole evening, his thoughts had been occupied with April; he grabbed the manga to distract himself, since he was only on the second day of his television probation.

Still, it had been a better day. His leg held up all the way through training, he came really close to successfully meditating, though he still wasn't sure what the definition of that was, and Casey had come over in the afternoon with a huge box of cookies. They were easily the best dessert Raph had ever eaten – apparently, Casey's sister was the reigning champion of the junior high baking league.

"There's a _baking league?" _Mikey had asked, awestruck.

After eating what was, putting it mildly, an unhealthy amount of milk and cookies, Raph and Casey sat down at the hockey table for a game. Casey leaned over the table and quietly said, "So, did you get a chance to talk to April?"

"Nope," Raph said immediately. It wasn't _strictly_ a lie.

Since Casey had left, Raph had been debating what to do about this whole mess with April. He tried to imagine what would happen if he told Casey; Casey's temper was bad, but he'd probably come around eventually.

When Raph imagined what would happen if he told Donnie, though… Donnie never did things by halves. Ever. If he believed something, or thought something, or felt something, he _lived _it. It consumed him. He let it define him. Fleetingly, Raph thought that maybe Splinter needed to have the self-imposed limits talk with Donnie, too. Of course, there was a good chance that had already happened.

Even so, if Raph told Donnie, it would crush him. Shatter his already precarious self-image. Donnie was just so gosh-darn _sensitive_ to things – it was why one could get him so worked up over whether words were real or not. He had a big, squishy, vulnerable heart that it seemed like he didn't even have the faintest idea of how to protect.

He was like Mikey in that respect, except that Mikey's heart was shielded by blissful ignorance.

Raph could bear the thought of hurting Casey. As much as it hurt, he could bear the thought of losing Casey's friendship. But the thought of hurting Donnie, tearing their family apart…

He couldn't bear that.

Raph slammed his manga shut. He had moved so much out of his element in the last 48 hours, had stepped outside the self-imposed limits of who he thought he was, and was being to realize who he really was.

Compassionate.

He'd always thought the word was synonymous with _weak_, but he realized the sheer amount of determination and courage being compassionate required.

Leo had said to do the right thing. As Splinter had said, _protecting the ones we love is always right._

He had to protect Donnie. Donnie didn't know how to protect his own heart. This whole time, Raph had tried to protect it for him, trying to convince him that April just wasn't in the cards, that he needed to get over it. Now, Raph needed to protect it again, but by sheltering it. Donnie wasn't ready to accept reality. Maybe someday he would, but not now. So Raph knew what he had to do.

He had to protect his brother.

_No matter how unpleasant the task may be. _

He was going to have to tell April that he didn't feel the same way that she did, regardless of what he actually felt. April was tough – like Casey, she would get over the disappointment.

Raph got up and headed out of the lair, once again having to tell Mikey that no, he was _not_ getting pizza.

The whole way to April's apartment, he was second-guessing himself. What about _him_? Didn't _his_ feelings matter? Was protecting Donnie from the inevitable worth it?

But like Leo said to, Raph put his weight behind his decision.

His hand shook as he knocked on April's window.

_No matter how unpleasant the task may be. _

April pulled back the curtains with an expression of surprise on her face. She unlocked the window and opened it. "Hey, Raph. I wasn't expecting you. What's up?"

Raph swallowed. "Um…I need to talk to you."

"Sure. Come on in. Do you want a soda or anything?"

_Don't hold back,_ Raph said. _This is going to be a train wreck no matter what, so just get it over with. _"No thanks, April. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been bugging me. On Friday night, I hurt my leg while I was out running…"

"Oh, yeah, Donnie told me about that. Splinter wouldn't let Leo pick you up."

"Yeah, so anyway, I was gonna ask you if your dad could give me a ride…"

"Oh, why didn't you? I'm sure he would have."

Raph slapped a palm onto his face. "I was going to, but you had company. That Irma girl."

"You could've texted me."

"I was. But I was sitting on the fire escape while I was writing it…and I heard you guys talking about…stuff."

April frowned. "I don't even remember what we were talking about."

"You don't have to pretend, April. I heard your conversation about boys. I know how you feel about me. But you can't, okay? I don't feel the same way."

April buried her face in her hands. "Raph…"

"I mean, you're great, and you're beautiful, and smart, and all those things, but April, I just…I don't feel…I mean, I don't know…but Donnie is a great guy…"

"Raph…"

"…or Casey, or any number of other guys, but you and I just won't work because, I mean, it's not's that I don't like you, it's just that…"

"Raph! Shut up!" April's face was a brilliant pink. "I wasn't talking about you."

Raph's stomach flipped. "You…weren't?"

"No. I wasn't talking about anyone. It was a character from a book. Didn't you hear Irma saying that?"

Heat bloomed in Raph's face. "I – I left halfway through." He felt like pulling into his shell and dying.

"Of course you did," April muttered. "Wow…this is…embarrassing."

"So…" Even though he had come here specifically to tell her that he wasn't interested, Raph's spirits sank. He should have known that she didn't really think any of that stuff. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to _actually _think that _anyone_ would ever think those things. His face grew even hotter and he could feel his posture slump.

"Listen, Raph. I'll tell you what I told Irma. I don't have time in my life for a boyfriend. The reason I was telling her all of that garbage in the first place was because I'm _sick_ of all the pressure people put on me about boys. Irma's always harping on about it, my aunt's always trying to set me up with the sons of friends in her book club. Not to mention the fact that two of my best friends are practically at each other's _throats_ all the time, fighting over me like I'm the Stanley Cup!"

Raph held up a finger. "Um…that's…the hockey one, right?"

April crossed her arms. "Yeah. That would be why I chose it. Because a couple of testosterone-fueled idiots with sticks are getting into brawls over me." She sighed and massaged the bridge of her nose. When she spoke again, her voice was gentler. "Relationships are messy and complicated – and I just want things to be simple, you know? Everything else is already complicated enough."

Unexpectedly, a wave of relief swept over Raph. "Believe it or not, I actually get that." He bit his lip.

April raised her eyebrows. "You do?"

"Yeah. Part of the reason I came to tell you is because…I liked having you for a friend. And when I thought that you…well, it was complicated. And all I could think of was how mad Donnie and Casey would be…"

A tiny smile crept onto April's face. "Like how if they found out that I don't like them, there would be a massive rift in everyone's friendship?"

Raph nodded.

"Now you know how _I _feel half the time." She sighed. "I'm sorry you overheard all of that."

"Honestly, I'm relieved."

April tilted her head. Raph had the idea that she was looking straight through him. "You…" She looked like she wasn't sure if she wanted to pursue the conversation any further. "Are you sure that we're good? You said…some things…"

Raph shrugged and sat down on the window bench and thought for a moment. How much had his sudden attraction to her just been because he thought she liked him? Wasn't that what Leo was trying to get him to realize? "I guess…it was just nice thinking that…a girl could actually like me, or think that I was hot, or think that I was anything other than an ugly green freak."

"Is that what you _really_ think that I think you are? Raph, you are _not_ an ugly green freak. Anyone who thinks that can – can" – she uttered an incredibly foul string of Japanese words – "themselves."

Raph stared at her. "Now…I know _Leo_ didn't teach you those."

April blushed. "Donnie did."

"What? _Donnie?_"

"Yeah…I was watching him fix one of Leo's katanas, the anvil fell off his worktable, and it fell right on his foot. He told me that they were metallurgy words…but I looked them up later. But that's beside the point. You're not ugly, you're not…okay, you are green, but you're not a freak!" She came over and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Raph, you're one of my best friends. You came in here to tell me that you're not interested in me because you care about other people more than you care about yourself. That's not how freaks act, trust me – I've met plenty of freaks, and you are definitely not one of them."

Raph felt a smile creep onto his face. "Thanks, April." He stood up and thought for a moment. "I'm really glad we're friends. I'm glad things are simple again." He spat in his hand and held it out.

April laughed. She spat in her own and they shook hands. "So we're good?"

"We're good. So…do you want me to tell Casey and Donnie to back off?"

"No. I mean, they'll be ready to hear it at some point, but not right now. Let me handle that, will you?"

"So are you saying that the three of you are officially not my problem?"

"Yeah."

Raph smiled. "Sounds good to me. Well…see you tomorrow at afternoon training?"

"You know it!"

Raph had just started to climb out of the window when April spoke again.

"Raph?"

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"Don't take this for more than face value, but…if I ever run into any girls who are in the market for a really unique relationship, I'll tell them that I know this great, seriously buff guy – not conventionally good looking, but really hot in his own way. "

Raph's eyebrows skyrocketed. "Very funny."

"I'm serious, Raph. Just because I don't have a crush on you doesn't mean I'm blind."

Raph felt himself blush. "Yeah…well, you'd have to be not to notice all of this."

"See you tomorrow."

Raph waved and climbed out of the window. As he ran home, his leaps across the rooftops were more confident and joyful than ever before.

Everything was simple again. Perfect.

By stepping so far out of element, he found that he'd stepped his way right back into it.

The End

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><p><strong>Author's note: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it!<strong>


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